50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
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ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Not to split hairs, but I called you “haughty,” not “hottie.”
Karate Kid (1984, PG): An old Asian man tricks a bullied teenager into doing household chores for him.
[126 minutes]
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
I sometimes double click on a trojan horse to see if there are soldiers hiding inside.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
This forever.
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
This cat looks like Wilford Brimley
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50