DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
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Spins a web.
Any size.
Catches thieves.
Just like flies.
He waits.
The thieves come.
The web is sticky. The more they struggle, the more entangled they become.
He cocoons them and drains their fluids. The rest will feed his young.
Look out.
Here comes the Spider-Man.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
“It’s not you, it’s meat” – vegan break up
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
A conga line? Now that‘s something I can get behind
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
“i just followed a pigeon on TikTok,” i say to you as you are in the room with me but you are an alien from space and don’t understand and say “what?” and i point to my phone and say “i subscribed to a pigeon on my phone” and you’re like “ok? is it coming here?”
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
this is one of the absolute funniest things hozier’s ever done and i stand by that
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father