As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
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I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Heading to the hairdresser after lockdown like
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Me: People who are superstitious about the number 13 are silly. It’s just a number.
Also me: *cannot have the total amount on a gas station pump end in anything but an even number or the number 5*
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Once again the nurse sighs and writes “patient refused to step on scale” into my medical chart.
*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.Everyone: *gasp*
Me: Just kidding you all are.
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
9, playing an iPad game: Weird… I accidentally did something and my character became fat.
Me: Same.