Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
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*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
The news in a nutshell.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
Can’t, trying to piece together today’s news from the jokes.
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude
me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
[in the bedroom]
HER: you got some in my hair
ME: whoops my bad
HER: and in my eye
ME: sorry I can’t control it
HER: have you ever painted before
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
[Texting]
My Brother: Here’s pictures from my 40 mile hike
Me: Here’s pictures of my second breakfast
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?