If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
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Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
Nose
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
[gets a little voodoo doll of myself and makes it do pushups]
Geez man, take it easy.
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
Kid at skatepark:
“Are you Tony Hawk?”
me: I am
him: “no you’re not”
me: ok, I’m not
him: “but are you, FOR REAL?”
me: I am, for real
him: I thought you’d look younger
me: ME TOO