Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
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Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Pro Tip: don’t buy cheap duct tape. Your basement guests can chew right through that.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
[first day as aquarium guide]
Me: & here’s 8 snakes biting a soccer ball
Guy: that’s an octopus
Me [sighs]: fine. 8 snakes biting an octopus
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Parental PSA: 6 days left until Halloween.
(Translation: 5 days until your child decides she hates the costume she picked a month ago & wants that a different one. No, not the one in stock- THAT OTHER ONE.)
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Kills Two mosquitoes with spray.
*writes DEADLY ASSASSIN in bio*
My dog is coming home from surgery today and I hope he did ok. He can’t afford another malpractice suit.