hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
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Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
After dinner the other husbands and I retire to the garage and silently take turns climbing my new ladder.
Me: you kill people for their blood? How do you sleep at night?
Vampire: I don’t.
Me: How do you look at yourself in the mirro-
Vampire: also no.
Evil Scientist: I will turn you three into…A Human Centipede!
Hostage 1: No!
Hostage 2: Please! No!
Me: So…who gets to be the front?
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
I assume anyone sitting alone in a car in the dark corner of a grocery store parking lot is waiting to meet a hitman who is running late.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Any job that calls u a rockstar just know they’re underpaying u
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?