I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
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Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
I started feeding the birds a steady diet of pastel died Rice… You know, to brighten up the neighborhood a little bit…
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
Police officer: Ma’am do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I’m just as confused as you are.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.