I miss this era type of pranks😭
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My kid said a bad word and we ran out of soap, so I washed his mouth out with cilantro
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
German dominatrices: If you’re happy and you know it, clamp your Hans.
At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Food wedding anniversaries:
Year 1: champagne
Year 2: strawberries
Year 3: chocolate
Year 4: donuts
Year 5: protein shakes
Year 6: microwave meal
Year 7: Rat poison.
Why do we call it tunafish? Is there any other tuna out there that’s not a fish?!!?
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
Sending in my taxes
Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
Everyone needs to eat healthier. Except the guy sitting next to me loudly eating an apple. That guy should be in prison.