The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
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Are we still doing “hot girl summer”, cause I’m really trying to make “raccoon girl summer” happen
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Went over todo list for fishing vaca, Noticed wife put “WTF” aside “B Plug”.
Had to explain, the “Boat Plug” keeps the water out of the boat
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
This is a bad sign
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
“Hey baby ditch the zero *stares silently until lenses transition into sunglasses* and get with the hero.”
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.