ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
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*swipes right on my hand mirror
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful
I thanked my husband for favoriting one of my tweets and he said: ‘Ya that was an accident.’
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
9yo: Dad, how come you’re so good at Mario Kart but so bad at driving your car?
Me: Go to your room.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
him: what do u wanna be?
me: I wanna be a cat that transforms into a misty fog when people try to pet me
him: wtf, I meant for Halloween?
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste
…and for my next trick, I will turn yesterday’s sweatpants into today’s sweatpants.
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.