My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
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I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
It’s really only a Supreme Court if it comes with sour cream.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
*bursts into a bank*
EVERYBODY GET DOWN ON THE FLOOR. GOOD. NOW PRETEND YOURE A BABY GIRAFFE TRYING TO STAND UP. GOOD. THIS IS AWESOME
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
*tucking t-shirt into tighty whities*
Time to seize the day.
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
*Gwen Stefani as a girl selling $2 snacks in front of her house*
CUSTOMER: Do you have any $1 snacks?
GWEN: I ain’t no dollar snack girrrrrl!
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
My daughter said I was too old for over-the-knee boots so I bought two pair and told her she was too young to borrow them.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.