*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
You Might Also Like
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
I told my kid that the fish fossil was found 194 years ago. He asked if I’d found it. And that’s when he mysteriously disappeared…
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
I bet ghost anatomy is an easy course
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
wife: Why was that guy yelling at you?
[flashback to me ignoring the “one per customer” sign]
me [with a mouthful of cheese samples] No idea
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”