Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
You Might Also Like
i like my women how i like my basements, creepy and wet
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
Judging by the state of my toddler every day when I pick her up, her preschool has an “all children wearing sunscreen must be rolled in sand” policy
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
If I’m your lawyer, we’re in jail
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Pro tip: If your full grown kid won’t move out just tell them their Christmas gift is in the driveway and lock the door when they go look.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
The 6 types of sex
Day 14: I notice a seam in the wall. It’s a removable panel. I crawl through a tunnel, down, down. I emerge into a space like a hangar. There is a 1/6 scale exact replica of my home, my car, my office…all the places I most often frequent. “This is not for you,” says my cat.
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous