Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
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[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
my partner’s been out of town for 6 days while I’m home w 2 kids and we’re officially in feral mode. My kid asked for her 4th popsicle of the night and I was like “yeah girl grab me another one too”