[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
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moms will remember every detail of your high school friend but never their name. “Who was your friend from high school who worked at the sub shop on Thursdays and she had brown hair with caramel highlights and she tripped during prom photos and she had two tiny moles on her neck”
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
People who bend down to pick up a thread instead of running over it with the vacuum 37 times, what’s it like to exercise?
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Vixxxen is just a reindeer with a side hustle.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I came this close!!!!
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
So I ordered a cake from a renowned bakery in Nagpur, through #Swiggy. In the order details I mentioned “Please mention if the cake contains egg”. I am speechless after receiving the order 👇🏼
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Lmao
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.