Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
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not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
Cashier holds up a bottle of herbal spray for hot flashes “you sure you want this it’s twelve dollars” YES I WANT IT AND I DON’T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Big respect to the guy in this cafe trying to make the woman he’s with feel better because she’s saying how bad her eyesight is getting, by telling her “no but everything is so small these days. No one can see anything”
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Hide and seek, except it’s my husband searching for where he last put his pants.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
white people eradicated entire populations for spices and yet the bay leaf remains a mystery
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
Can we go skydiving on our first date? I want to hear what you sound like when you think you might die.
-me, flirting
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
I love it when people yell when trying to communicate with someone who doesn’t speak their language.
Thank you for screaming “do you understand?” That was just what I needed to become fluent in your language on the spot.
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.