Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
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I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Not to brag, but I can cure a man of having a thing for me in five minutes flat.
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
He’s dead
i understand that my body can’t digest corn or whatever. that’s fine. my issue is that i f****** chewed it. how the hell is it coming out back in the shape of corn. what are they not telling us
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
Any weekend is a Vampire Weekend if you can’t look at yourself in the mirror afterwards.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”