ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
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Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
i love meeting boys on tinder
I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.