any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
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What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
Waiter: How would you like your Martini, Sir?
007: Shaken…
Andre 3000: Like a Polaroid picture
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
doctor: describe your morning routine
me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance
doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g
me: I know how to spell it
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
Boy, I hate small talk.
*coworkers all grimace*
He’s right behind me isn’t he?
*Small talk starts cracking his knuckles*
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
Don’t forget if you’re a member of the Tautology Society, we’ve got our annual AGM meeting tonight.
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.