The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
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Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
your honor my client chooses dare
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Tough love is true love
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.