I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
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god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Me *writing*: she was like 12 slices of key lime pie in a dress- tart, cool, totally whipped.
Her: I can hear you.
Me: she could hear me
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
found out today that in my 7-unit “no pets allowed” apartment building, I am the only one without a cat. I’ve been surrounded by secret cats this whole time
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
People whose TL is only quotes from famous people—You do realize you’re not a desk calendar, right?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
ME: Got here as fast as I could! I have the anecdote!
HIM [dying of snakebite]: Please say you mean antidote
ME: Funny story! This one time—
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
It’s like you don’t appreciate this bag of toenails and I can’t deal with this right now.
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
my landlord charged a pet fee for the ants in my kitchen. i need $48,000,000 by friday or im evicted. how did he count them they are so fast