“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
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Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
Mom (on phone): your uncle had a heart attack. he was playing tag with his grandkids
Me: oh no
Mom: it was a little touch and go for a while
Me: are you seriously explaining tag to me right now
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
What idiot called it blood spatter instead of axe body spray
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.