Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
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If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
guy who came to check out what’s making noises in my attic told me it’s “one of the creepiest attics [he’s] ever seen.” not something you want to hear from a person whose job involves seeing a lot of attics
It’s getting harder and harder to watch teen shows and movies and not side with the parents
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?
Me: That it’s only Wednesday
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
“911”
you gotta help, my wife is in labour in the backseat
“how far apart are the contractions?”
about 2 miles but I’m driving pretty fast
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.