My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
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I crave feet in the sand, a gentle ocean breeze, the sun on my face, and two entirely new presidential candidates.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
Wife: You only half-listen to me. You’re in a boatload of trouble.
Me: Yes, let’s buy a boat.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Me when my husband says, “let’s go to the gym”
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
Ironic
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Me: *doesn’t get enough sleep, takes an afternoon nap to make up for it*
My body: well look what you did now we have to stay awake until 3