Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
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Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
ROBIN: How come you wear dark colors but make me wear a bright yellow cape?
BATMAN: [under his breath] It’s called a bullet magnet.
ROBIN: What?
BATMAN: What?
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Now, where’s the sport in that?
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
Just why bro?!
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
Roasted broccoli for dinner tonight, and the rave reviews are in.
“What is this? It tastes like hair,” said one ungrateful child.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Did the poop challenge on my daughter , 😭🥺🥰 (used peanut butter) but this was her reaction 😂
Gosh I love her sooo much ‼️
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
thinking about a very short hotdog
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.