Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
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Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
if your day doesn’t start with chasing your neighbors chickens out of your yard are you even living your best life?
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
[ugly sweater contest]
*starts sweating*
*takes home the gold*
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
quarantine day 3
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[watching TV on couch]
Me: Think you’ve got enough blankets on you? I can’t even see you, ha ha.
Her: …
Me: I said, do you think you have enough blankets on you?
Her: …
Me: I’m just talking to a pile of blankets, aren’t I?
Pile of blankets: …