had calamari for the the first time ever and it wasn’t that bad, maybe I’ll try marriage next
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The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Me: After all these years, I think I’m still angry at my mother
Cat therapist: *swipes jar of pencils off desk* Have you ever tried peeing in her suitcase
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
When I randomly walk into a room in my home and find my kids playing quietly together I slowly and silently back out like I’ve stumbled into a den of hungry velociraptors who by some miracle haven’t noticed me yet.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
Old man in public library is watching gladiator clip by clip on youtube while his wife sits next to him reading a magazine and frowning. On this floor a homeless man is reading prince harrys biography and I am flipping through a table sized atlas looking at maps of central Asia
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Grammar. The difference between feeling your nuts, and feeling you’re nuts.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
brian had himself a morning…
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Teacher: welcome to health class
Me: my friend said you can get a girl pregnant by kissing her?
Teacher: sir please just mop the floor
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.