Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
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I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
why yes i studied sports medicine at the university of phoenix. *puts stethoscope on basketball, nods*
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me “what is in cells?”
I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
*Food hits floor*
Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”
King Germ: “No!!! We must wait 5 seconds……”
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry
Why doesn’t anyone put the whole football on their mouth like a pelican and pretend they don’t have it
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
I love long walks on the beach with my girlfriend, until the Ambien wears off and I realize I’m dragging a stolen mannequin through the Taco Bell parking lot.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.