Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
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Thanks to the magic of low fat peanut butter, I now know what despair tastes like.
Who called it heckling a cow and not roast beef?
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
My boss used to call me “the computer”. Nothing to do with intelligence. I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.
ANNOUNCEMENT: DENIM CLUB MEETING IS CANCELLED. AVERY RIPPED HIS JEAN VEST AT THE SUPERMARKET. HE’S OKAY, BUT VERY UPSET.
Good things to say after sex
1. thanks
2. that was fun
3. do u think my betta fish went to heaven when he died
4. where then
5. where is he
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
My ex just followed me on Twitter.
That said:
“Say hello to Hitler for me, Mary.”
*BLOCKED*
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
So my dad was all “stop eating my pills” and then I was like “stop melting into the floor and spinning multi colored webs you talking lamp”
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
[first date]
HER: What are you doing with the Tupperware?
ME: [filling container] The sign says ‘All You Can Eat’, it doesn’t specify when
Airbnb’s should be required to tell you their wifi password before you book because I’m second guessing this place based on “fluffycream350”.