*snowstorm rolls through*
*work closes*
Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”
*daycare closes*
Me: “I wish I was dead.”
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[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.
Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
#have a #great #PancakeDay
A penny for your thoughts, a dollar if you keep them to yourself.
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
I’m gonna leave this world just like I came in, dawg!
“Yo, for sure. Kickin and screamin!”
Nah, brah. On a giant spaceship.
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
A lot of folks out there missing the point…
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”