People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
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[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
[wine and cheese]
HOST: Welcome, can I offer you a glass of wine?
370 RATS IN A TRENCHCOAT: We’ll start with the cheese thanks
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
“What’s the most important thing that is missing from your sex life?”
Me: A partner
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
I don’t have a reason to post this I just love it
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*
waiter: *whispers* sir your card was declined
me: yeah *whispers* i don’t have any money
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
Mom: “Why are you always on your phone? What’s so great about the internet?”
Me: It doesn’t constantly ask me questions
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?