Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
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Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I made my will yesterday and had to make my lawyer the beneficiary because my estate will just about cover his bill
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
My parenting style can best be described as “Go help your sister.”
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
oh my god
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Confused owl: What?!
*Sucks spider up in vacuum*
*panics*
*breaks a glass to vacuum up and finish him off*
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
Lost my car keys so I’m forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.