How high do the levels go?
You Might Also Like
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
The cat knocked over my coffee in the home office this morning and I’ve reported her to HR. In other news, HR has hired my cat.
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
I’m so stoned…….. It took me three tries to turn out the bathroom light.
Turns out the toilet flush handle does not control the lights.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.