yeah but what if it 𝗶𝘀 your fault that you got the grocery cart with the bad wheel? what if maybe the cart just doesn’t like 𝘆𝗼𝘂
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I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
me: why can’t I crack this egg open
wife: because it’s a lemon
me: first my car and now this
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
My washing machine at noon: “I will gently wash these clothes.”
My washing machine at midnight: “I WILL WASH THE HELL OUT OF THESE CLOTHES!!”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.
Me: *select all, delete*
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
Therapist: You saw the red flags though. right?
Me: I thought it was a carnival
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing