Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
You Might Also Like
No thanks Olive Garden, the last place I wanna eat is somewhere that treats me like family.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
a bat optometrist making me yell down a hallway
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
My ex once told me not to psychoanalyze him but he left me for a psychologist and I think about this a lot
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
If you don’t have any friends who have covid right now you’re blessed or you probably don’t have friends
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
#parenting
I like older men because their sense of humour was shaped before Family Guy was popular
You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
three things we don’t talk about
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
boss: are you having trouble keeping all those balls in the air?
me: a little yes.
boss: maybe stop juggling and get back to work then.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
Me: ‘Alexa, set the timer for 90 minutes.’
Alexa: ‘What are we burning tonight?’
In my town it’s: Package delivered, here’s a picture of it at someone else’s house
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.