HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
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Is it weird to think about mac and cheese during sex?
Ma’am, I just tear the movie tickets. But yes, it’s weird.
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
Whole Foods just notified me that I’ve won a “Lifetime Supply of Fresh Kale” which in my case is one kale.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
I put the “rad” into “gradual descent into madness”
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
4 can’t go to sleep tonight because she’s “too short to sleep” and I honestly don’t even know how to address this new level of sleep delay mastery.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
a detective agency’s office is filled with cluebicles
Me: It actually takes light around 8 minutes to travel from the Sun to Earth.
Her: Umm light is instant. Everyone knows that.
Me: Go home.