My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
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Barber: What can I do for you?
Me: Here, I brought a picture. Can you make me look like this?
Barber: Is that… is that Chris Pratt’s abs?
Me: Can you do it or not?
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My wife and I take turns going to our 11-year-old’s swim meets.
Two weeks in a row, when it was my turn, the meet got canceled.
Now our daughter always wants it to be my turn.
Looks like we all just want to stay home.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
There is nothing like a little tomato soup to soothe the soul, even if it’s cold, over ice, with a celery stalk and vodka.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
“Stop slapping your brother’s forehead with that bacon.”
——‘What are things I never thought I’d need to say today’ for $100, Alex
My son just flicked a booger & now it’s hanging from my wife’s forehead. I’d tell her, but our waitress is still reading the specials.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[first day as a pilot]
me: *looking down nervously* what are all these buttons for
co-pilot: they keep your shirt closed
I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
🤣😂🤣
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.