Wife: for the last time buy a terrarium
Me: [drops 7 lizards into my shirt] why they already have a home
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Me irl
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
another case of gang violins
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
I wonder if Jeremy Irons ever quietly laughs to himself while he’s ironing.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
The problem with Quotes on #Twitter is that… it is so difficult to tell if they are Genuine – William Shakespeare
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Who wants to go pull on some push doors with me??
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace