I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
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I’ve been attending Acronym Anonymous meetings recently. Or as I like to call it AA.
I’m not making a lot of progress.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
unbelievably distressed by this ad
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My husband is a dentist now! At least he acts like one asking me questions while I’m very obviously brushing my teeth.
Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
[guy taking a bite of corn and then immediately taking a bite of hotdog] there has to be a better way
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.