[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
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I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
Just been talking to Old Bob. He was talking about all the people in his life he’s lost along the way. Lovely man, worst tour guide we’ve ever had.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Gen Z: I hate my boss
Millennial: me too but instead of posting it on social media I slowly let the air out of his tires like a well adjusted grown up
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. Sweating and panting while trying to open this Amazon package, however…
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.
They say that wherever you travel becomes a part of you. So I’m pretty sure I’m 98% living room.
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
Staying with my parents, part 6:
My mom: Oh hey, those fruit leathers you ate expired last month, just so you know.
Me: WHAT? Nooo!
Her: Next time you should read the box.
Me: I mean…I didn’t think I had to cause I trusted you
Her: lol that was your first mistake
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…