When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
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therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
For the ones in the back.
At this point my only chance at getting thinner is going to a paint store.
live, laugh, laundry.
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Peter Jackson just found a postcard JRR Tolkien wrote his nephew in 1938. He’s turning it into 22 nine-hour films.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
My 6-year-old is sick with a cough, so I told him gargling with warm salt water can help. He looked at me & said, “I’m NOT going all the way to the ocean right now.”
Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
It’s not procrastination, if you don’t do it at all. 🤨
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is broken
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?