“THE WORLD IS GOING TO END!”
2012: omg please no
2016: are we doing this or not
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Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
I was trying to be fancy using a pepper grinder and now I’m just exhausted from the manual labor
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
fixed it
judge: i hold you in contempt
me: get in line, pal
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.