“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
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[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Roses are red
Duracell is gold
Took your vibrator’s batteries
for my remote control
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
The lady across the plane aisle very rudely covered her watch that I was using.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I’ve decided today I’m following the lead of my 2 yr old and I’m just gonna close my eyes so no one can see me.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
You can make so much more soup if you use your washing machine.
date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
My husband keeps texting me he loves me and that i’m hot, what a weirdo like calm down pal, we’re married
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.