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It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.