” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
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Me: Will you marry me?
Her: No
Backing singers: She said no! she said no!
Me: Not now
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
interviewer: we just have one concern
me: [unsheathing] is it about the sword I brought
interviewer: well it is now
interviewer 2: holy shit
interviewer 3: awesome
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Friend: What’s your favourite season?
Me: Of which show?
Friend: 😐
Me: 😶
Friend: 😕
Me: 😐
Me: 👀💭
Me: Oh you meant like.. the weather.
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.