*i open my briefcase, take out a picture of a block of velveeta cheese & slide it across the table to my financial manager*
how can i purchase one of these?
You Might Also Like
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
Hero horse inspires millions
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Me trying to “trust the process”
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
It’s amazing how eating such a small amount of dog food can cause such a large amount of concern from the people at the pet store.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket