GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
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Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
If by yoga you mean reaching the outlet to plug in my charger without getting out of bed, then yes, I do yoga
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
when I was little, I always wanted to explore in my mom’s bedside table and she was horrified if I would even touch the drawer.
now I know it’s because that’s where women hide the good snacks
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
I’ve been standing here for 30 minutes and it hasn’t even moved.
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.