My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
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Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
“If you’re not on medication no one will know how crazy you you are,” she said red flaggingly.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Carves “you are a doo-doo head” into the car door of my enemy because my sword is mightier as a pen or something like that
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
“♫ In the circle…“
“Enough already, Stanley.”
“♫ the circle of…“
“You’re making everyone nuts.”
“♫ liiiiiiiife!”
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
This week’s mood.