I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
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Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
Fact: mongooses are super fast and agile and are well known to be dangerous to cobra kai students.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
I’m doing the lords work (judging)